Most people that know me know that I love kids. Really, I LOVE kids. I was so blessed this summer to get a job that allows that to be part of my work. And yet, I don't have any of my own. I'm sure some people wonder about this, but most are polite enough not to ask. In a country where the "struggle of infertility" is like a club, most adults know this is a subject to be avoided. I guess some people would say I get to be a member of that club.
I hate the idea of that though. Of course I hate the idea because it sucks not to have kids. But what I really hate about being a part of the "club" is that people feel sorry for me. That they feel the need to tiptoe around subjects like pregnancy and child raising. That they feel like they need to empathize with me in some way. That they feel guilty being excited about a new baby. That my empty arms need to be filled with their own children.
It's very true that I have my "bad days". But don't we all? Each one of us has something in our lives that we feel is not quite right: we're not married yet, or we haven't found the right job yet, or we don't own a house yet, or we can't wait till retirement, or we want that next promotion at work, or we wish we could travel more, or we live far away from our families. We all have moments in our lives when we just don't want to live the life we have right now and want something else instead. That's the nature of living in a fallen world.
I guess the reason I felt like writing all this is this: I know a lot of people who have never had to wonder each month if THIS might be the month you finally get to have a child wonder how they can support someone who has. Well, here's how you can help. Talk about your kids. Talk about your pregnancies. Tell me what cute things they did. Tell me how you can't wait to find out what gender your baby is so you can start buying baby clothes. Tell me about how frustrating getting no sleep is. Really, I can take it. In fact, I love to hear about it most of the time. Did I mention I love kids? Not having my own doesn't make me hate everybody else's kids. But what I need most of all from you is prayer. Pray that, as each month comes to a close, I will find solace in God's lap. Pray that when I'm having my "bad days" I'll run to God first. Pray that God will fill that hole in my life with himself. Pray that God will be so real that I can't imagine any better life than that moment of stillness, peace, and joy that I find myself in.
And, if someday God allows my arms to hold a child of my own, pray that I will keep praying for those who haven't had that experience.
He gives the barren woman a home,
making her the joyous mother of children. Praise the Lord!
Psalm 113:9
